
<p class="wp-block-paragraph">Let me just preface this with it’s kind of gross so if you&#8217;ve got a weak ; stomach, kind of squeamish, or are a big ol baby just stop reading here. ; This is in no way a post advocating for the sweet delicious taste of copenhagen wintergreen (longcut of course) ; in fact it will probably deter most.</p>



<p class="wp-block-paragraph">I was kind of hung over the day before so I didn’t partake of any Dip and a tightly packed plane ride didn&#8217;t seem like the appropriate time to pack a cheek full of delightful tobacco. ; So, I get off the shuttle and see my beautiful jeep just sitting there waiting for me. I load all my crap into the back and pack just the biggest horseshoe, all that my jaw can handle. ; I burn rubber outta there I can’t wait to get home.</p>



<p class="wp-block-paragraph">I get a couple miles down the road and I am just drowning in spit at this point. ; Realizing I don’t have a fresh bottle to spit in I see that my always prepared self left a mountain dew bottle in the cup holder that was only about an inch full of spit from my arrival trip there 5 days prior. ; “How convenient!” I thought as I hurriedly began to unscrew the cap. ; Little did I know what kind of science experiment had been brewing in this bottle microbes invigorated by mountain dew baking in the oven my jeep had become magnified by ; the black asphalt of the airport parking lot.</p>



<p class="wp-block-paragraph">The moment I released this unholy concoction to the atmosphere I immediately started dry-heaving (Lovelace men are not known for our strong gag reflexes) ; The noxious fumes burned my eyes. My throat closed perhaps as a defense mechanism to this unholy demon that sprang forth from that bottle. ; I don&#8217;t know if you&#8217;ve ever driven a jeep down the interstate but going 80mph feels like you&#8217;re reentering the earth&#8217;s atmosphere so opening a window wasn&#8217;t an option. ; As quickly as my fingers could work I twisted the lid back onto the bottle. ; Holding my breath in hopes the vx gas would dissipate. ; My mouth now full of a dreadful cocktail of dip spit and vomit. ; I came to the realization that I had to face this goliath of vile filth. ; I slowly worked up the courage took a deep breath (pun intended, follow the page) and unscrewed the lid.</p>



<p class="wp-block-paragraph">The mixture spewed from my mouth into the depths of the bottle. I can only imagine the intense chemical reaction that was occurring within, a violent tsunami of microbes going super saiyan. ; I’m fat so I couldn&#8217;t hold my breath for long, time was of the essence. ; I twisted the cap back on and breathed a sigh of relief only to be met with again the residual vapor of the sullied brew. ; What kind of torture is this what have I done to deserve it? I thought as the odor burned my skin. ; My eyes watering I don&#8217;t know whether from protecting my vision or fear of this blasphemous fiend I have unwittingly created. ; Remember your training damnit! I told myself as the jeep careened side to side while trying to maintain control. ; I was Chemical corps in the army, hazmat certified this isn&#8217;t something I can&#8217;t handle I incorrectly thought. ; The intense chemical weapons typically off-gas very quickly and are then rendered relatively harmless. ; Perhaps if I unscrew the lid and let it vent the abominable brew’s power will be exorcised.</p>



<p class="wp-block-paragraph">Thinking I have yet again used my genius to overcome I happily unscrewed the lid and left the bottle in the cupholder. ; I have made few mistakes in my life as grand as this one. ; In retrospect, ; perhaps the fumes had gotten into my brain and compelled me to release this dreadful spirit like that fungus that turns ants into zombies (google it!) I was overtaken by a plume pungent stench. ; The air turned acidic I could feel the hair follicles of my arms giving up on life. ; The windows began to fog, a fly that had been zipping around the car suddenly dropped straight to the dashboard and withered instantly. Jealous of the flies eternally peace and escape from this cataclysmic mass extinction event. ; I can only imagine this is what the villagers of pompeii felt as the hot ash from Mt Vesuvius engulfed their bodies. ; I could take no more I had to cage this beast once more. ; I fumbled for the lid my stupid fingers clumsily tried to thread the cap but it proved to be an insurmountable task as if in slow motion I watched as the lid plummeted to the bowels of my jeep this coincided with my descent into hell.  ; The fever dream that happened next is a blur, time stood still drifting in and out consciousness visions of the cosmos and overfilled portapottys filled my brain. Desperately I blindly clutched into the abyss searching for my holy grail; that lid, while trying to remain in control both of the vehicle and my emotions. ; As if by miracle, perhaps divine intervention, the lid materialized in my hand. ; THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! I chanted as my hand slammed the lid on the bottle with righteous fury I twisted the lid, seized the bottle and yeeted that shit straight into the ; cavernous interior of the jeep wrangler. ; I braved the atmospheric reentry and thrusted my head outside with the hurricane force winds whipping the dip from my jowls like a dog slobber and tears streamed from my face as I embraced the zephyr of life. ; ;</p>



<p class="wp-block-paragraph">If you’ve been thinking of trying dip; approach it cautiously. Maybe this tale will make you think twice.</p>


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